Two Thousand Thirteen

The second day of the year and my resolution is still resoluting. I don't know if your suppose to tell people what your resolution is ( like a birthday wish)  cause if you do and it doesn't happen.......aww shit. I'm fucked. I told three people what my resolution was. I figured if I told them, they can help me stay on my path to resolution conquering. Discipline is really what it is. If I told myself I'm going to do something everyday that is technically possible, all I need to do is actually do it. The reason or not would be, procrastination. That's my middle name. Well I have two actually lol...Ohhhh three hahahaha. My real birth one. Procrastination and her long lost "sounds like"........ Tuition lol. If I am unable to do something today, do I make sure I do it tomorrow twice as better or as much? I don't know. I would rather stick to what I said I was going to do. 

I've been wanting this house for the last two years. I saved and saved. Then as freakin usual, something came up and I had to spend and spend what I saved and saved. so now I'm back to starting from scratch...which makes me itch right now thinking about it. It's tough but in order to get me to the finish line by the end of the year. I have to save and put away and not touch and not think its there and actually act like it doesn't exist, $20/ day in my savings to have at least at the minimum $7200. If I can do this and add whatever Elease I can, I will be able to accomplish this goal. This goal for me is minor that's why I have to conquer. If I fail to miss a day, the whole thing would crumble. 

I have to get to the bank........no Matter what.   

State of California

....Franchise Tax Board can kiss my behind! How dare they go into my account, MY MONEY, and just take what they want? Here I am paying them monthly and they said, OH WELL"! They could care less how I have to live. They dont give a cahoots. Did they call? No. Did they email? No. Did they look at how I am paying them faithfully every month? NO! But thats ok (in my Ricky Ricardo voice). Yall got it now. Dont freakn mess with my other dollars!

I love men

Being a die hard heterosexual, is it really an issue that I seriously love men? I love everything about all men. I can honestly find at least two characteristics in any man that man makes him prospective for any woman. Men make me feel good about myself. They are the reason why I have high self esteem. I am not conceited but extremely confident. I have flaws but we all do. I never accentuate my imperfections. I just play on my perfections. Having only one committed relationship ever in my life, I found myself always wanting to be surrounded by men. A not so attractive gent, but well dressed and smelling great is so my type. I love one with some flaws. Give me a man with a chipped tooth....yummy. I wish I can be polyandryist.  That way I will be able to have my cake and eat it too. Im greedy and selfish. I want what I want. We only live once. 

Friday night was no differ than any other.................................................

I cant use real names but I will use initials. So M is always pissed because I wont have sex with him when he wants it(every night). Last night was no exception.  Im not your woman nor should I be the only woman your dating. If there is something one will not do, someone else will. We all know this.  I allow this man that I have been knowing for six years to damn near dictate my life. He doesnt think so but I do. To me, he's my friend/child. For the last year, I have been this man's codependent. No he's not on drugs, but he was in a transitional phase in his life where he was converting from the hustle to being legit. I ask of nothing financially from him, as he doesnt have it. When he did, it was good. He is husband material but not for me. I've been his friend/nurturer for so long that I cant be intimate with him....unless Im under the influence. He is good in bed, but I cant turn back the clock and feel the way I used to. He doesnt understand that though. He's in the friend zone and aint no coming out. He massaged my back for a while, thinking that was gonna help him get what he wanted. But I wasn't interested. He decided to sleep on the couch. Good night

Saturday was cool.........................................

SS came by my Honeycomb Hideout this afternoon to play. He used to irritate the hell out of me but now I somewhat like him. Not like him like that though. He's tolerable now. He can now ask me to do certain things and I consider it. It used to be a plain NO. He just bought a dog which will be his baby. He has no children and isnt married. I dont think he has a girlfriend but then again I cant come over to his house anymore. He chilled for about twenty five mins, then skedaddled. I'll see him in about two weeks.

My ATF came to see me when he left. Now thats my boo. He used to be so mysterious to me, which attracted me to him. Every time I saw him, it was like unveiling a piece of the mystery. Now after three years, I kind of have him figured out but not all the way. He is married with no children. I just knew he had children. Its a rarity that a successful, attractive, early forties married man doesnt have any children. I wonder if its his sperm or his wives reproductive system? Guess its not my business, but I can wonder. He came to see me when his father passed and I felt weird. I would've thought that he wouldn't be able to be in my company at at time like that. But it showed me that he is comfortable with me. Or he just needed to release some stress and tension. He loves to play at various golf courses throughout the Bay Area, just to check them out. I love when he pays me a visit in his golf gear. So damn cute. I wished we would've got more cozy today but he said,"next time". Damn, did I want it. MMMMmm just for him to share himself with me, is fine for now.

Mature

Ready for whats in store for me. My favorite guy is feeling down today. I hate the fact that I chose to love the more mature. This is bothersome. I sometimes think if and when he leaves, what in the hell would I do? I dread it. I hate the fact of knowing that we will not be able to spend OUR entire lives together. I have loved but not this kind. Its true that opposites attract. Two people from 2 totally different ends of the spectrum, attract. 12 years together and still havent given him what he wants. Im selfish but so is he. Well he actually is greedy. Sometimes I feel people marry to hold the other down. I want to be held down but then I dont. Well I do, but not with him. However, I cant let him go. I refuse to let him see if he can find happiness with another. I'll be sick. But now he's sick. And I dont know what to do. Shouldnt really think about it as it makes matters worse. But to have someone in your life, having your back when no one else will, is special. He's special. I wish he were younger.

Born this way

When I explain to people that the way I live my life was destined to be this way, they either disagree or are in shock. No one knows why I do what I do. Only I do. How I live my life is not because my parents wanted me to. Its because I wanted to. Ever since I was a young girl, I knew I had something inside of me that eventually was going to come out. It had to be somewhere in my DNA that I would be who I am. Im not a bad person. I just dont live the life that others want me to live. Because one chooses to follow a path thats right for them, shouldnt be wrong. I place no harm on anyone, just healing.

Even though we are told to never let anything get in the way of our dreams but sometimes it does. The lifestyle that I live is fun. Its so fun, that I want to share it with others that want to hear. But I hesitate, only because I care what others might think. What might they say? I dont want to be judged, although God is the only one that can judge me. I only sit and ponder to come up with the same answer, Dont do it. sigh